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Payday Loans Replace Heroin As Preferred Addiction Method of Human Traffickers

AUSTIN, TX — A feather shining from the band of his clearance aisle fedora cap like the dime-store knockoff of a pimp from the ‘70s, notorious human trafficker Miles Sukzman was arrested this afternoon following an anonymous tip to Austin PD. Sukzman was apprehended at a warehouse on Real St. with nearly 7,000 young women being trafficked as what was originally believed to be sex slaves.

In the past, traffickers like Sukzman would use hard drugs, like opiates or methamphetamine, to keep their human product strung out and addicted, but things have changed, according to Sukzman, who was more than happy to brag about the patently outrageous method he and thousands of shitty strip mall “banking” institutions have been using to keep the “chum”(poor people) under their greedy little thumbs for years.

“We thought heroin was the way to go, but sometimes you have to dose them five or six times before they catch the itch. But payday loans work fast. It only takes once before they’re stuck in an endless cycle of poverty that’ll keep them running back to us no matter what degrading shit we have them doing. You know, like cleaning bathrooms or working as personal assistant to CEOs,” Sukzman hollered from the back of the moving patrol car.

Few of the women who’d been sex trafficked refused to give statements while others could simply yell, “We need [Sukzman]! These loans have a 39% APR!”

Oddly enough, none of these women admitted to being forced into any sexual acts at all, but instead claim to have spent most of their days working in food service, at factories, or running the cash registers at grocery stores.

“We’ve seen this before,” said the lead investigator, FBI agent Sheila Catchem. “These poor folks walk into a Check Into Cash or head over to, and next thing you know, they’re caught in a vicious cycle of wearing exorbitantly large hats and sunglasses to hide the shame of standing in line to fork over their already too-low wages.”

When Austin mayor Steve Adler was asked what he intended to do to mitigate this form of servitude, he replied, “It’s not illegal, you idiots. If these stupid potential voters wanted to keep from being roped into this, they should’ve started a company or been born with wealthy parents. What a bunch of losers. Vote Adler!”

The FBI plans to raid strip malls around the country in a coordinated effort set to begin Monday morning, but until that time, they warn all lower-class Americans to lose their houses and cars to the banks as the good lord intended.